The Harrogate Mineral Waters

( A Monologue )

List, oh ye Visitors to Harrogate,
List, oh ye Fathers and Mothers, oh ye sons and daughters,
List unto me while I discourse upon Harrogate Waters,
If you haven't tried 'em no time should you waste,
Their flavours, to be strictly honest, are admittedly an acquired taste.
They correct all cases of unusual acidity,
Some folks swallow them with terrible avidity
If you haven't tried any up to the present,
Don't start on the sulphur, please, it's not over pleasant
Their diuretic properties are supposed to be good for that organ known as the kidney,
Someone kidded me to try some, saying it would do me good, but I don't know that it did 'ny.
If you have been addicted to alcoholic excess, and feel all of a shake and a shiver,
Try a couple of pints before breakfast, and another before lunch, you'll find it will spring–clean the liver;
The saline chalybeates are not at all bad when you know 'em,
They go for their drinkers, and into a violent perspiration throw 'em.
But they do them good,
Lessen complaints, although chronic,
Buck 'em up, give 'em an appetite for the next meal
And act as a general tonic;
If your glands are not working properly, if you feel full up, though fasting,
Try the chalybeate–good old chalybeate,
Cheap, and the flavour is lasting
Go for it, oh ye Visitors, brave as lions,
Although, in the vernacular of the immortal Sam Weller
Their taste resembles that of warm flat irons.
Supposing you've a scrofulous constitution or your glands are predisposed to enlargement and suppuration,
Two doses from the Chloride of Iron Spring will so increase your flow of language as to guarantee your eternal damnation.
Whether you use the waters internally,
Or externally,
The result will be the same, you will grow to dislike them infernally.
Sometimes they'll have a sedative action,
Sometimes they won't,
Sometimes they'll act as a gentle stimulant,
Mostly (take the tip from me – I've had some) they don't.
Oh, dear Visitors,
Have you tried a mixed sulphur and magnesia with a splash of soda?
If you haven't, swallow one quick, hold your nose, and you'll miss the odour,
It's guaranteed to cure Housemaid's Knee with any complication,
And enrich your blood by the direct absorption of its subtle preparation ;
And if you want to cure all your complaints in one big hit,
Oh ye Sons and Daughters,
Make up a great grand cocktail of all the respective Harrogate waters,
Drink it at night, and if alive in the morning,
Rise from your bed when early day is dawning,
Filled with a healthy pious resolution,
And give thanks to Nature for having given you such a wonderful constitution.